12.09.2019

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We were given feedback for our essays as a whole and thorough details such as the bibliography as well as the structure of the individual paragraphs today. Before getting started though, Mr. Paterson critiqued our "About Us" page that showcased each team member. At that time, we weren't ready with the page yet, so we weren't given positive feedback, but afterward, during the rest of the class, we worked on creating each biography so that if fit the standards. We were surprised at how there weren't any personal pronouns in the essay, so I was especially proud of that. I think that finishing the "About page" would have been useful since it brings reliability to the team, as well as to the essay as well because then the readers can be reassured that they essays and brochures that are made by each team member include the correct information based on their biographies. This is why we worked on improving the "About page" after we got our feedback, which means we added more information that described the background of each member as well as the reason why they were chosen for their selected position. We also made sure to edit the photos because they were a little hard to see. Mr. Paterson also pointed out that the photos that were used were although coordinated, were hard to see the faces of us, so we cropped out the unnecessary environment as well.

For the essay itself, we were mainly pointed out for 3 problems. One is the way the resources were displayed and how the citations were written. Throughout the essay, there were numerous instances in which information from the resources was used. However, the citations weren't directly shown in the passage itself, so we added the citations through number figuration. Mr. Paterson though told us that the method of citation used in our essay was a different format to one of an MLA citation, and since the school is recommending students to utilize the MLA format, it was needed for us to fix it back to the said resourcing procedure. Another problem was how the conclusion paragraph didn't include enough concluding and instead had a bigger summary ratio. Although a summary is useful to refresh the audience into the main points throughout a long essay, the purpose of a conclusion paragraph would be to persuade the audience and give a different perspective towards the main message. This means that it would have improved if we had added a new idea about our statement. I thought of utilizing the heart speaker's ideas since the heart speaker was chosen for the "one last thing", a similar concept for a conclusion.  

Lastly, we were told that our thesis statement wasn't clear in terms of the topic. Before, we wrote how improving lockers can affect the school environment. However, reading the thesis statement itself shows how the noun "locker" doesn't have a specific belonging. By adding a specific direction to the topic can furthermore shrink the distance between the readers and the writers and therefore improves the persuasiveness of the essay. Overall, I felt helpful about the critiques because then it opens new doors and perspectives about the medium that can then be utilized to improve the essay even more. 


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